#414

Next year I'm 20.

I have many thoughts.

Tonight, some memories just came running back to me. of so many events that occurred, so many people that walk(ed) into my life. It felt that I'd like to go back, and walk through them once more. It became so imperceptible that this world, our lives and routines continue to move regardless of whatever events that happened. I do wish i could revist them, again.

I took a step back, saw the paths i'd treaded upon and I see my growth (or did it really happend?) . From adolensce, to a teenager and now in my last year (or 6 months) of it. Whatever I've went through, it wasn't easy for me. But if I had not made all these mistakes, and paths that were not meant for me, I wouldn't have been who I am today.

To all who walked into my life, the ones who have played important roles in my growth. Whether those who have left (or still with me) I know, all wouldn't have been the same without each and every single one of you. I treasure all of the memories forged, good or bad, because I know they will always be a part of me. The past is sweet, but we cannot bring everyone with us into the future. If I would ever have the chance, i really hope we can build our friendship all over again. What that matters most is this present moment now, that will determine all our tomorrows.

so fucking, fucking tough to be a ________ at times.

0627, ryann

convict my heart

i wished it never came to me.

remember

when one door closes, another opens.

"If being crazy means to live life to its fullest, then i wouldn't mind being completely insane."

- April

Tonight, I feel more jaded and screwed than ever. All my cynicism that's left is versely proportional to the the ghastly mistakes and incidents that just kept on spiraling downwards.

maybe a storm's brewing soon. but somehow, i cant seem to dance in the rain anymore. maybe someone has cut my achilles tendons away, leaving me stranded in the gloom with agony. I feel terribly suffocated. pain in the knuckle. crippled in my vision. faint in the far end. and my mind's struggling to avoid waging a war within, with what's left that's worth mentioning.

somehow i wished we didnt end it here.

Though yesterday brought sorrow,

The clouds will part and dawn will bring

A happier tomorrow.

Inevitably we all experience this phrase.
Sure, it acts more than a dagger. maybe, too much of good can be bad. maybe, we ought to give it a chance to prove. but for now, change can bring me nearer,


nearer to dreams.

look no further at the junction, this is me.

faith without works, is dead

"Inner guidance comes in many forms: illogical, irrational and unreasonable directives, clear images, premonitions, dreams, repetitive images, words from friends, or strong and undeniable feelings.

Whatever way your inner wisdom speaks to you, it will knock on your door until you finally listen to it or go numb in the process. You will never know why your institution was beckoning to you unless you heed what it says. when you listen, pay attention, and do what it suggests, then it will be clear why it was trying to get your attention in the first place. "

Thank you, for being a medium and bridging the increasingly bigger gap by the minute, as you share all these w me. I know the underlying meaning of the above mentioned. I do know it, when it only boils down to two words.

the irony of Life.

this morning i woke up with a sigh
with all the pensive thoughts whriling in my mind.
many at times when i thought
the seemingly impossible wouldnt happen,
it cruelessly did it again.

all's too heavy to comprehend,
the constant perpetuated struggle,
all that's eroded away by time,
timeless yet temporal

be it the numbed feelings,
or the numercial defeats,
or the antagonized reel of life,

just let it go. now.

i woke up at 6am and I'm having FIT paper at 2pm):

the truth hurts

Maybe the truth is, im not cut out for all these. all these shit. I'm sorry I aint what you made me up to be.

the above might be a continuation of this.

***
Tonight's epiphany: Your attitude determines your altitude

"It is not what you do, but the spirit in which you do it that matters.

You bring your attitude with you to every situation and every task you encounter.

You may not have a choice in life about your circumstances,

but you do have a choice on your attitude.

And, it is that attitude that makes all the differences in every experience."

"I've learnt in this life that you're going to get your heart broken, no matter what you do to safeguard against it. I've learnt that the heart is stronger than the best built machine, because the heart when broken still works. I've learnt that the best thought out relationships aren't always the ones that work. I've learnt that sometimes we have to dive head first into certain things, and leave everything up to fate, because sometimes, following your heart might just be the best decision ever. I've learnt that the people you love most are going to be the ones who hurt you the worst, but you're going to have to learn to forgive them for that, simply because you love them. I've learnt that a sense of security is so underrated; it's possibly the most important thing in a relationship.

I've learnt that some people just aren't worth wasting time on, and those who are will be willing to spend more time on you than you do on them. I've learnt trust, and the vulnerability of it; how it takes years to build, but only takes suspicion to break. I've learnt that the most cliche saying ever, "never judge a book by its cover", might just be the most true. I've learnt to have faith in people, even when they don't give you any reason to, simply because once in awhile, people need someone to believe in them. I've learnt that no matter how bad your problems are, there's always someone out there having it worse. I've learnt that good doesn't always triumph in the end. I've learnt that some people will just never change, no matter how hard you believe they will.

I've learnt that to succeed in the future, I have to let go of my past. I've learnt that sometimes people make mistakes, and you have to learn how to forgive them. I've learnt that sometimes forgiving yourself might be the hardest to do. I've learnt never to give up on the future, no matter how bleak it may seem, because whatever negative thing's happening to you now will pass in time. I've learnt never to set your goal too early in life, because sometimes it doesn't help but instead prevents you from trying out other things.

I've learnt that home is always the best, and that family will always stand by you, even though you might not have talked to them for a long time. I've learnt that sometimes the best company is your own. I've learnt that passion is never enough to get what you want; talent counts for more than anyone thinks. I've learnt that sometimes the things we hold onto aren't really what we want to keep; it's just that we're afraid of letting go of the familiar. I've learnt that to let go doesn't necessarily mean to forgive and forget; it simply means to accept. I've learnt that if you want to judge people, expect them to do the same to you. I've learnt that sometimes holding yourself together can be the one thing that tears you apart.

And finally, I've learnt that if you want to love others, you must first learn to love yourself."

lessons learnt.

Antagonise the Protagonist,

Weaved the web.

Concealing the wound,

Conjure a miracle.

"nostalgia at its best,
saccharine smiles of yesteryears.
amidst the constant quibbles,
therein lies a deeper truth,
one of adolescent innocence."

Credits to Sacrosanctt.

My life would be back in 2 more weeks. hang on.

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain."


what doesnt kills me, makes me stronger.

I'm back. It's back.

They all say, "a picture speaks a thousand words".
I say, pictures revived the short lived memories, helping us to capture the little moments in time, aiding us to recall the seemingly forgetten past.

We have been through this particular motion before. We all do.

We laughed in delight when someone actually bothered to ransack the messy and dusty storeroom and rediscovers our infant photos. one of us wailing, sucking our tiny thumbs or fidgeting relentlessly on the baby slumber.

We enjoyed the attention when the lense is facing us. They say there's a crack in the flashing, and thats how light sets in. not forgetting, providing a comfort resource for those under privilege settings.

Apparently, all of us have been into this kinda photos before.

We open our eyes widely, for fear that they may look like slit eyes when the shutter is heard. We stared with our backs arched out and 2 awkward elbows resting on our counterparts precariously.we waited for our peers to get ready, we waited for them to finish laughing, posing, swinging, squatting.

The stillness of the aircon, Yet you realized its presence.
The warmness in the cold ballroom, Yet you felt it.
All the people are smiling, Yet you felt the awkardness.

With random thoughts swirling in and out of your pea-sized brain, all of God's goodwill and nature seemed so surreal. When you finally started trying to decipher the codes and riddles to life only then you will find the set keys to balance and position youself to the world.
Vaugely, you allow yourself to wander to various places and thought you jolly well you shouldnt think of. Skepticism ruling over you, doubting and clouding your poor vision and blurred your ability to make decisions.

Instantaneously, you make the wrong choices, resulting in decisions made. Stupefied, you groan, you beg, you whine.You tried to ratify, but to no avail. And what if, you could mark this single event in time. This very moment where you stopped running and turned to face your destiny. Would you roar with a vengeance and make destiny curse they day you stopped running?

Is that it?

Yes, it seemed so insignificant. so meaningless and pointless.

Life, it gets a lil weary from time to time.

Note: a total 2368 words. 2 pictures included, get the point?

so what happens when you tried your best and ended up being a whole lot less?

need to pull up my socks badly. later.

the tenth year.

this book, this page, this hareball laid to rest.

between those sheets, these leaves, if pressed still bleeds.

a watercolour of the way we were.

those years: the fuss of such and such a day,
that disagreement and it's final word

your inventory of names, dates and times.

my infantries of tall, dark, handsome lies.

A decade on, now we astound ourselves;
still two, still twinned but doubled now with love.

and for a single night apart, alone,

how sure we are, each of other half.

this hareball holds its own.
let's give it now, in air, in light,
the chance to fade, to fold.

here, take it from my hand,

and now, let it go.

poignant regret.

dizzy yet pricey

floating up from the forgotten

the adrenaline that surged

You're never an arm's length

away from me

stealing furtive glances,
at the tiny screen, in forlornness
anticipating the familiar beep,
yet silence cause heart to weep.